About a month or more ago, a reader wrote with a question:
"I noted in one of ur earlier communications u remarked in passing that u were in contact with some Amer. dads who spanked in the here and now too. If it's okay, I'd be interested in ur forwarding their notes to you, expurgated re: their names and locales as u think appropriate. I can assure you I would never contact them, but I know, for peace of mind, you may want to take out names and emails. I bet other readers would like to know too about dads who u hear from."
He's right about my not being willing to share names and e-mails from men who spank their sons, mostly teenagers and early twenties, in America (or elsewhere) and who have written, but I don't mind sharing what I know. For those who might be interested, read on.
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Over the years, more families have written that I would have expected and it's typically been more often the father. Sometimes the mother (often a divorcee) has written and sometimes both parents write on a question or observation or two. If the writer sounds sincere and up front and proves to be over time, I have corresponded with them or we've spoken on the phone and on rare occasions as travel permits, I have met a variety of "Dads" American and other nationalities too (including some uncles, step dads, and grand dads, too) who believe in not "sparing the rod" when it comes to their sons. While some find this topic embarrassing and controversial in America, you'd be surprised at how many men talk with others men about this subject and thus they are more than open to share when they meet or are introduced to a "kindred spirit" especially initially through e-mail.
To unfairly lump together those I've heard from or talked to over the years, it would be fair to say they are often well educated and upper middle class or above and their overwhelming concern is to insure their teenage or above boy does not get caught in something that negatively limits his future. They have been genuine wanting to spank the boy but not "damage" him, to guide him but not to scare him away from them forever, to help him change and understand things have changed but to do so positively. Some had been spanked themselves growing up but others had not. All were at the point that they knew something had to be done and things had to chance quickly. "Groundings" or taking away privileges were not working for them in their situation.
The moms who have written have typically been divorcees, bringing up a teenage boy alone, also knowing something had to change, but very timid about spanking.
Uncles, step dads, and grand dads, curiously, have tended to write about teenage boys they, for various reasons, found themselves with responsibility for, but in many cases the boy had been brought up "on the other side of the tracks," let's say, and in a family where the strap and alcohol were common and ultimately where responsibility of the boy moved to the uncle, step dad or grand dad ultimately. They wanted to turn things around quickly, before it was too late.
I don't mean to imply the above generalizes, or anything below, to anything beyond those who have written, nothing more.
One of the more interesting men was the guy who happened to be vacationing with his boy in the same resort condominium at which I was vacationing with Larry on Maui years back. The conservation began casually when we both realized we were tossing Frisbee's to two teenage boys who would have done much better tossing them at each other without either of us around! After awhile, we headed for a drink; the boy's began tossing that Frisbee together. He first mentioned it was difficult handling a boy "that age" and I simply mentioned that Larry was no problem.
"why not?," he looked at me as if I was crazy. "They're impossible to control and discipline at that age."
Well, that might have been his experience, but it wasn't mine and for some reason I told him.
"Not Larry," I replied, looking out at them still tossing that stupid blue plastic thing. "We don't spend a lot of time arguing about things because if he screws up I'll spank him."
The other man looked shocked. He was quiet for a fairly long period of time.
"Now that's what Joe needs, I know. I've thought about it but just have never been able to do it."
Over the course of the two weeks we were there, he brought it up a couple of other times, often in the context of commenting on Larry and how close the two of us were and things like that. He brought it up, I didn't ever after that first afternoon.
The up shot of the vacation was that Joe got his first ever spanking by the end of that time in that Maui Condo on N. Bay. Though Joe wasn't any to happy about that fact, he did learn that when Dad says it's time to get out of those shorts and get over Dad's knees that Joe's going to get his bare bottom spanked and arguing or talking isn't going to change the spanking that's coming. Joe's Dad changed during that vacation. Joe got the first spanking of his life in that vacation Condo but it wasn't his last.
We have all stayed in contact. Actually Larry and Joe became friends but Joe learned to stop arguing and start listening to his Dad. Joe also thereafter spent a fair among of time over his Dad's lap learning those lessons and getting them right. You can't expect one spanking will immediately set everything straight with a boy like Joe who was more into hanging out and only doing what was necessary to just get by in school.
It all started with a fairly casual conversation that just happened.
On one occasion it was the boy himself, Chris, who wanted me to meet his Dad after we got to know each other and Chris wanted to visit Europe over his Spring High School Break. That was before I'd ever spanked Chris. I've never meet anyone quite like young Chris' Father (Melvin) before. Mel, an accountant, still tries to use that old green ping pong paddle on Chris and his brothers and he still cannot seem to get it quite right. Talk about bumbling! Chris is still in College and Mel's still trying (and screwing it up, but you already know that if you're read those "stories," which like all I've written are non-fiction).
The kinds of questions that come by e-mail over the years have been fairly consistent:
"What kinds of things do you spank him for?" Answer: Whatever rules you've set and gone over them with well in advance and that they know clearly you will punish them for if they break them. Some men do spank boys for other reasons, but initially, stick to the rules and enforce them the old fashioned way.
"Do you spank him for little things like coming in late on a no school the next day night?" Answer: If you tell him to be in by midnight and he comes in later unless there's been a problem like the car breaking down and he's called you, yes, the moment he does come in you remind him of the rule and when you both agree he's late, then you unbuckle his belt, take down his jeans and briefs, and spank him across your lap.
"Do you always spank him bare?" Answer: Yes. He'll get the point faster and clearer. You will be less likely to damage his white bare bottom plus the older the teenage boy is, the less likely he'll try it again. A teenage boy's bare bottom, when he's forced across your lap, is a powerful way to get his attention and change his behaviour.
"Doesn't that embarrass and humiliate him to the point that you break your relationship with him and he comes to hate you? Answer: Not around here it never has. To the contrary, the boy's spanked in the context of the relationship and the relationship you are building with him has got to be good, but he's also got to knows you are the boss and he's going to be spanked if he does something he's not suppose to and so you do it.
"What if he starts crying?" Answer: Rarely have I spanked one of my boys who didn't cry. In fact, it's when he start to sniffle and cry over your lap that you know you're reaching him and that when the spanking begins as you're spanking him to make sure he never does it again.
"What do you do? You just keep slapping his butt?" Answer: No, you never just "keep slapping his butt." When your boy's up over your lap, he's going to clench his buns for all he's worth partly from knowing what you're looking at and partly just because it's natural. You want his toes pointing "in" which will relax his buns some and then your use your hand or knee between his thighs to relax him more so what you right hand is slapping in that fleshy lower part of his bare bottom, near where his thigh joins. A few well placed slaps right there (and I realize you need to practice to learn how to do this) and he'll be wiggling and responding to his spanking quickly. It has nothing to do with hitting him hard and causing maximum "pain." What you're doing is slapping his bare bottom slowly down there, sharply, but slowly, then letting your hand cup his bun while you're talking to him, forbidding him and preventing him from clenching his buns so you can spank him. The first time you spank a teenage boy he'll clench furiously and have trouble doing this, but over time he will learn because you're going to continue spanking him until he does. Usually, when he begins to sob, his emotions will burst loose and he'll let go with all his tension. You'll be amazed what a difference it makes when this happens. Then you can spank him. But his bare bottom does not need beaten, just spanked, well and thoroughly down there, no bruises, where it will do him the most good. He may holler, beg, promise, cry, even yell and scream, but just let him. This is a very personal moment for your boy. You just spank him and over time, short time, he'll learn you're serious and you see major improvement rapidly all around.
"What do you do if he does do it again?" Answer: Teenage boys often have short memories. It's not "if" but "when" he does it again and as soon as that happens, down come his jeans and briefs while he's apologizing and promising it wont happen ever again. While he's assuring and reassuring you of that, you take him over your lap and spank him. There are no "second chances."
"Do you really make a teenage boy make a punishment paddle and make him carry it along when you go on vacations and over night things?" Answer: Yes, and I've been known to use it on him in a hotel room when he needed it, even if the hotel's walls were rather thin.
"How long or how much do you spank him?" Answer: I spank him until he's in tears and I'm sure he understand clearly, but after that, holding him and talking with him and re-building the relationship can take any way from two hours up. No question. It takes time to spank a boy right.
In my own answering those same above questions over and over again, what has always stuck out in my mind about all those Dads who have asked them, over the years is that the men were all, without a single exception I can think of, dedicated to their boy or boys and wanting to do whatever they could without fail to keep the boy out of the wrong group or peers with negative influence, away from any substance abuse, and assisting the boy to maximize his own potential.
The other thing that sticks out among all the parents is that all of them -- even if they lacked education themselves -- valued good academic grades and saw grades as a major criteria. Dropping out is not an option.
But, the specific men referred to above have been Whites, Blacks, Hispanics, American, Polish, South African, other Eastern European Immigrants, and Europeans as well as Asians.
The only ones I've ever met or heard from who brought up, or in one way or another, expressed interest in the switch were British or of British ancestry in America. French in the US or Quebec typically have preferred a small strap, or at least so goes my e-mail.
Those corresponding currently, who write periodically via e-mail, more typically speak as a friend -- "so how are you and where are you these days?" A casual review of what's going on in their lives and who's doing what and where and please keep in touch and let's get together the next time you're in town" (which I never am) is not unusual. Then they talk about the boy or what they want to know (and that's fine). Those who have been writing for a longer time and have already picked up the challenged and spanked their boy soundly, like the others too, say they have no regrets and it worked. On the contrary, they still spank them when necessary (as do I with Larry when necessary) though over time the issues change and the boys learn how to produce and listen and consequently are spanked less often. That's as it should be.
The awareness that the boy will be spanked if he screws up is something the boy never forgets.
Coincidentally I heard from one of them last night. He did tell me about having had to dust off the old paddle and put it into action again. He was disappointed at needing to, but it related to the boy's having been taken before the University's disciplinary board on some kind of conduct or something like that. What's really funny about this particular boy, however, is that the boy also writes to me (I showed him how to get into that particular college). Though I haven't heard, at least not yet, the boy's side, knowing the boy, I probably will some day soon.
In general, Dads who write ultimately do decide on the wisdom of reverting to corporal punishment on their errant boy's bare bottoms and apply it effectively. I know that because they would usually be so uptight about their decision that after they actually did spank the boy they were so pleased with themselves and the results that they would almost always immediately call or write to tell me so. Typically they've said something like they "made the right decision."
In the case of these men, what their son's usually got was a good long spanking, though sometimes a paddling. With some Dads who have waited this long, they usually are more comfortable and successful with the paddle than spanking the teenage boy the first time by hand. Interesting, I always thought, but why the paddle would be only speculation on my part.
One twenty year old boy I remember very well. His father, President of a NYC firm on the NY Stock Exchange, after a great deal of wringing his hands over his son's behavior and pulling him out of jail for alcohol-related small stuff constantly, finally decided to go with him up to their summer house in Connecticut one weekend to give talk one more try. But his communication with his boy was so poor by then that he was got no where and instead got mad, forced the boy to strip completely, and used his belt on the boy. The Dad was so pleased with the resulting change in the boy's behavior that I recall specifically his question as to where to purchase a razor strap in New York City! From then on that Dad kept that razor strap in the dining room china chest and used it regularly on the boy, having him strip and bend over the dining room table. This man, being older and considerably well off, was a widower with a son who refused to get his act together but was dependent on his father for money. The man's since passed away. I still know the son, who's done very well for himself and will openly tell you how grateful he is that his Dad finally had had enough and picked up that belt that weekend and used it on him.
The most bizarre was a Los Angeles Dad who wanted to bring his 14 year over to be spanked and paddled and wanted to watch. That didn't happen. No way!
But most of the men who have written have been realistic and used corporal punishment on the teenage boy fairly and benefited the boy. As I said above, I'm aware of none who have regretted it.
And for those who still might wonder. Joe's Dad mentioned that he spanked Joe a couple of weeks ago. For sure, bare bottom over his lap again and it seems to have worked again.
And, yes, even Larry still is not to old to get his own Levi's and briefs taken down and go across my own lap for a spanking. He last got his own bare fanny spanked on Sunday the 13th and although he was none too happy about it when I started to unbuckle his own belt to strip him and give him a good long one that he really needed, he understood why he got it. He's fine now. Well, maybe still a tiny bit red and a bit bruised in his ego, but he's fine.
Larry still understand the meaning of "Dad'll spank." Your son or boy will understand too, if you care enough to teach him.